you say it’s my villain era and what you mean is that when you were six you panicked about wearing the right thing to kindergarten, what you mean is that in middle school nobody was eating, what you mean is that you spent high school prepping for college and college prepping for adulthood and adulthood fucking lost in the system.
what you mean is that you’ve been good. you were a good team player. you would have never considered yourself perfectionist - those are people more popular, prettier, more successful - but you carry any flaw like a secret in you, terrified someone will desert you for the simple reality of your personhood.
if you were good you could be loved. you could be loved if you were selfless and thoughtful and caring. if you bent over for every person, if you went above-and-beyond, it would absolve you of who you actually were. deep down, how horrible that you had needs. that you had boundaries, that you had desires. you learned young that you cannot afford to cut people out of your life - you would have nothing left. it is better to live in the service of others, to supplicate. to worship. you weren’t exceptional, you had to make up for it in some way. to prove to others you were worthy.
if they need you, it’s the same thing as loving you. if you are always-there, always-listening, always-friendly, you are filling a role. you have a purpose. you are living correctly.
villain era, you repeat. you mean: yesterday you finally told a man no. for hours afterwards, you couldn’t control your heartbeat. you mean: you’ve been saying positive affirmations on repeat, trying to teach yourself any new thing about how self care is necessary. you mean: three weeks ago, due to a scheduling conflict, you finally told a coworker that no, you couldn’t do them a “quick favor”. you have felt bad about that ever since. sure, it would have made you work late and it would have been extra stress - but you feel bad about it nevertheless.
you tell your therapist you have been leaning into evil. she asks what that means. when you tell her: sometimes i prioritize my own needs, she doesn’t find it funny. she looks at you a long time.
Cats understand “naughty”. In fact I think they’re the only animal who understands it. Dogs know “good” and “bad” but not Naughty. Same with theft. Cats know what theft is. They know when they are thieving and you can see it on their faces. Squirrels are thieves but they don’t know that. They know “take” and “have” but they don’t comprehend what it is to steal. Nor do raccoons or coyotes or any species of rodent. They may participate in theft but they are ignorant of the weight of what they do, the full meaning of it. Cats know what crime is and they do it on purpose.
So yeah I have a story for Orgill, I always have a story for characters I’m developing. I’m working on various ones and hopefully I get to work on them sooner.
omg so we have 1 seeing dog and 1 blind dog and whenever there’s a toy they both want, the seeing dog takes it and just…stands very still. immobile. she KNOWS he will try to wrestle it from her but she has figured out that if she does not squeak it, then he will not find it. leading to this.
“god….grant me the strength to not squeak the squeaky toy”
This man is the modern day equivalent of the clockwork masters who made strange, intricate wind-up toys for extremely wealthy people. Exceptionally talented, astonishingly inventive, brilliantly skilled, and the pinnacle of craftsmanship that serves to astonish and delight.
CHOCOLATE FUCKER’S BACK ON HIS BULLSHIT
Waiting for the chocolate man to make a life-sized, fully functionong automobile out of chocolate and confectionary
